


Dear Diary: It’s Me, Rumpelstiltskin

by prissygirl



Series: 100 Follower Promptathon [3]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Complete, F/M, One Shot, Rather Ridiculous, Rumbelle - Freeform, Series 4b
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 21:36:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3825895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prissygirl/pseuds/prissygirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: Ursula finds Woobie!Gold's online diary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Diary: It’s Me, Rumpelstiltskin

Ursula sat sunbathing on a rock, letting the calming sound of the waves lapping against the cove relax her. As useful as her tentacles had been, she had missed being a mermaid. She was more than relieved to have gotten her happy ending early, allowing her to get the heck out of the hell that was probably breaking loose in Storybrooke right now.

Even as they had all worked together to find the Author, Ursula had known trouble was brewing on the horizon for their little gang. There was little doubt in her mind that Rumpelstiltskin had a hidden agenda – he was the Dark One, after all. As much as she loved and rather missed her Cruella, Ursula knew her friend was a true psychopath – albeit a well-dressed one. And Maleficent was going to tear the world upside down until she found answers about the child the hypocritical Charmings had ripped from her arms.

No, Ursula was content to have avoided the blood bath that was about to occur over the Author.

When Rumpelstiltskin had first shown up at the aquarium where she worked, Ursula wasn’t quite sure she believed his claims about this mysterious Author. In fact, she’d even entertained the notion that it was he himself who was the Author. She didn’t think it was too ridiculous a notion at the time, considering the way he seemed to have manipulated and worked his way into everyone’s lives over the past 300 years.

If that wasn’t someone trying to play god with people’s destinies, then Ursula was a guppy.

Of course, once she had become Rumpelstiltskin’s roommate, her theory had taken on water rather quickly.

Ursula let out a melodious cackle. She remembered the day well...

\---------------------------------------------------

Within days of moving in, Rumpelstiltskin had basically taken over her computer. But today, Ursula had managed to pry the keyboard from his claw-like grip when she sent him out for groceries earlier that afternoon – using her hard-earned money, of course.

Anything to get him out of her apartment and give her a chance to catch up on her underwater farm in SeaVille, she thought.

It also gave her a chance to see what the imp had been up to. Though Rumpelstiltskin had been smart enough to close the windows he had been browsing, it seems he hadn’t been savvy enough to delete them from his history. She clicked on a rather promising looking website and was pleased to see Rumpelstiltskin hadn’t bothered to sign out of his profile. It took only a couple clicks before Ursula found herself staring at the Dark One’s diary.

It took less than five minutes of reading for her to determine that Rumpelstiltskin was definitely _not_ the Author. Because as much as Ursula thought the Author was in need of some valuable lessons in strong character development and complex character arcs, even he couldn’t be this poor of a writer.

**Day 14 without Belle**

_Ate Ramen for the first time today. Hated it. Missed Belle. Wonder if she misses me, too._

**Day 15 without Belle**

_Listened to Taylor Swift today. Belle loved listening to Taylor Swift._

**Day 16 without Belle**

_When I see Belle again, I will sing her Taylor Swift and she will know the depth of my regret._

**Day 17 without Belle**

_So it’s gonna be forever or it’s gonna go down in flames. You can tell me when it’s over, if the high was worth the pain…_

_Taylor understands us. I will tell Belle of my discovery when I see her again._

**Day 18 without Belle**

_Still no email from Belle. Perhaps she has not fallen for the fake trail I’ve been laying for the Oxford professor. Ate more Ramen. Sometimes I wish my heart would just kill me already._

**Day 19 without Belle**

_Belle emailed me back! This is the best day ever!_

**Day 20 without Belle**

_Who is this Will Scarlet that keeps commenting on Belle’s facebook page? He seems overly friendly and chatty. Is there a chance she could have moved on already?_

_This is the worst day ever._

**Day 21 without Belle**

_Discovered the existence of a bastardization of Belle and my story. The Author of this twisted tale has made me furry! I shall avoid this film like the plague._

**Day 22 without Belle**

_Decided to watch Beauty and the Beast today. I cried._

**Day 23 without Belle**

_May have watched Beauty and the Beast again. Need to remind Ursula to get more tissues._

The entries continued, but Ursula didn’t get a chance to read them. There was a noise at the front door and she jumped as Rumpelstiltskin walked back into the apartment.

Ursula clicked out of the diary quicker than a teenage boy who had been caught looking at porn.

“Hi there!” she said, her greeting much too enthusiastic.

Rumpelstiltskin eyed her suspiciously for a moment before grunting in reply. His arms were full of paper grocery bags and he placed them on the kitchen counter. “I managed to find us some real food.”

She got up from the seat and peered into the bags. “Mac & Cheese and _SpaghettiOs_ are not real food, Dark One.”

“Well they’re certainly better than Ramen noodles,” he snapped back.

Ursula personally agreed with him, but chose to make a noncommittal noise instead. As he began to put away the groceries, she grabbed a couple boxes of the Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

Her eyes widened when she looked more closely at them. “Why did you get the children’s boxes?”

“Hmm?”

She wasn’t put off by his reply. Rumpelstiltskin knew exactly what she was talking about.

“The macaroni is shaped like cartoon characters,” Ursula explained. “Disney characters specifically.”

“Oh?” Rumpelstiltskin glanced back at the boxes. “I suppose I didn’t notice.”

“Funny thing,” she continued. “They’re characters from Beauty and the Beast.”

He was quiet. Ursula could see the wheels in his crafty mind turning, trying to figure a way out of this one.

“Oh just admit it! You miss your maid.”

“What? No, of course not.” Rumpelstiltskin reached out and grabbed the boxes away from her. “I’m going to make dinner now.”

Ursula smirked and strolled back over to the computer. “Would you like to listen to some music while you cook? I hear the new Taylor Swift album is excellent…”

\---------------------------------------------------

Ursula smiled at the memory, remembering how she had tortured Rumpelstiltskin throughout dinner that night with her less than subtle hints. He had figured it out fairly quickly of course, and had spent the rest of the night sulking and stabbing viciously at the Gaston-shaped noodles. 

He was smart enough to start logging out of things after that. 

 


End file.
